Saturday, August 21, 2010

26 Year Old Female with a (Slightly Used) Vagina Seeks Arranged Marriage


So I'm single, tired of mingling, and looking to get hitched. Thing is, I�m pretty frustrated with the legwork and my solution is to pass the buck on to my parents and let them go ahead and choose for me, the way it was (is) done in the good old days (South Asia). So if you're a single guy, hoping for marriage and kids (not more than two) in the future, and willing to roll with the punches, let's get your folks in on this too.

Here's what I'm thinking. You respond to this with your parental contact info, which I will pass along to mine. Then, I figure we can just butt out until the wedding. Let's let them hammer out the details, investigate compatibility, and argue about a dowry.

Me: 26 year old female with a generally positive outlook on life, one salary, three piercings, zero tattoos, one car, one hamster, and one (slightly used) vagina. I'd be willing to consider getting re-virginized if this is a deal-breaker for your family.

I'd prefer not to convert to your religion, but I would consider relocation if my travel expenses were covered.

Looking forward to the big day. Maybe we'll meet once or twice before then. I'm leaving that up to my mom.

Location: Seattle
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID at Craigslist: 1007286964

Friday, August 20, 2010

9 Top Resolutions

1. Spend more time with family and friends
A lot of us feel we don’t spend enough quality time with those we love. So pick up the phone and start arranging experiences that you can do together.
Handy hint: Like this idea? Send an e-mail invite to a picnic in a centrally located park. Everyone brings food and drink – and a smorgasbord of catch-up relaxation results.

2. Get fit
Visualise yourself the way you want to be and promise yourself rewards along the way. Get into the mindset of “No excuses!”
Handy hint: Make a date today with a good pal to walk once a week for 50 minutes – and take your first baby steps to better health.

3. Lose weight
With about 60% of adults overweight or obese, weight loss remains a popular resolution.
Handy hint: Don’t stop eating the things you love, just eat them less. Watch your portion sizes with resolve, daily, and the weight will drop!

4. Quit smoking
This is a hard habit to break because nicotine is extremely addictive.
Handy hint: Don’t determine to give up smoking when other aspects of your life are stressful. Wait until you’re in a good space – and get plenty of emotional support to keep you on track.

5. Smell the roses
Lost your mojo? The easiest way to kick-start your joie de vivre is to do something outside the square.
Handy hint: Remember too that small is beautiful and focus on life’s minutiae, like a great song on the radio, a tasty peach, a pet’s licks, your friends’ thoughtfulness, an unexpected invitation.

6. Quit drinking
If drinking is doing you more harm than good, stop altogether, learn to moderate your tipples or call Alcoholics Anonymous for the support you need. Those living with alcoholics will also find friends at AA.
Handy hint: Resolve to drink two non-alcoholic drinks of your choice for every alcoholic drink. That’s a brilliant start!

7. Learn something new
There’s nothing more esteem-building than getting an additional qualification under your belt. Your career options widen, you meet new people and you exercise your brain.
Handy hint: Community colleges offer a plethora of inexpensive courses. Remember: nothing ventured, nothing gained!

8. I want to help people
Daily the world shrinks into a smaller global village with catastrophes reaching us daily via the media, so it’s no surprise that “volunteering holidays” are booming worldwide.
Handy hint: If time is an issue, donate furniture, clothing and other household items for those less fortunate in life than you.

9. I want to get organised
Whether it’s your home, office, clothes cupboard or garden shed, almost everyone wishes they had better systems and processes in place.
Handy hint: Take one untidy aspect of your life and draw up a plan to get on top of it. Give yourself three months to achieve a sense of improvement, and once successful, apply the ­­same principles to more and bigger things.

10 Old-School Ways to Remember Stuff

1. Count to 20
Here's a fun way for the kids to learn:
One, Two, buckle my shoe, Three, Four, knock at the door, Five, Six, pick up sticks, Seven, Eight, lay them straight, Nine, Ten, a big fat hen, Eleven, Twelve, dig and delve, Thirteen, Fourteen, maids a-courting, Fifteen, Sixteen, maids in the kitchen, Nineteen, Twenty, my plate's empty.

2. The Four Main Compass Directions
Simply remember the acronym NEWS: North at the top; East on the right; West on the left; South at the bottom.

3. Months of the Year
A physical mnemonic trick will help you remember how many days are in each month. Hold your clenched fists together, side by side. Begin with your left hand, naming the knuckle of your little finger as January. Next, the valley or dip between the first two knuckles is February, and the next knuckle is March, and so on. All the knuckles represent months with 31 days, and the valleys the shorter months.

4. The Order of the Planets
ercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune
Try these phrases to help you memorize the order: My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nachos OR My Very Educated Mother Just Sent Us Nowhere

5. The Seven Wonders of the Ancient World
1. Statue of Zeus at Olympia
2. Lighthouse (Pharos) of Alexandria
3. Mausoleum of Halicarnassus
4. Pyramids of Egypt
5. Hanging Gardens of Babylon
6. Temple of Artemis at Ephesus
7. Colossus of Rhodes
Use this mnemonic phrase to recall them: Seems Like Mata Hari Picked Her Targets Carefully.

6. Musical Notes
In the 1965 film The Sound of Music, Julie Andrews's character Maria teaches the children music. Her song may help you.
Do=doe, a female deer
Re=ray, a drop of golden sun
Mi=me, a name I call myself
Fa=far, a long, long way to run
So=sew, a needle pulling thread
La=la, a note to follow "so"
Ti=tea, a drink with jam and bread
Which will bring us back to "Do"

7. Counting to Six in French
un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq & six
Here's a phrase to help you count.
Un, deux, trois, cat sank—cease, please!

8. The 12 Apostles
List the dedicated followers of Jesus with this well-known Sunday school rhyme:
This is the way the disciples run Peter, Andrew, James and John, Phillip and Bartholomew, Thomas next and Matthew, too. James the less and Judas the greater, Simon the zealot and Judas the traitor.

9. The Four Gospels
The first four books of the New Testament are Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
Try this to help you recite them, and you'll impress your Sunday School teacher: "Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John went to bed with their trousers on."

10. Basic DIY Techniques
Don't waste time, do things the right way the first time. Just think this: Righty-tighty, Lefty-loosey.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

21 Odd and Fun Facts about Music

1. The only guy in ZZ Top who doesn’t have a beard is Frank Beard.
2. None of Elvis’s films got nominated for Oscar, but he did win three Grammy Awards – for his gospel recordings.
3. John Lennon wrote Good morning, good morning after hearing a Corn Flakes commercial.
4. Marilyn Monroe got a white poodle named Mafia from Frank Sinatra.
5. The airplane that Buddy Holly died in was called American Pie. Don McLean wrote a song with the same name about the accident.
6. Duran Duran was named after a mad scientist from the Jane Fonda movie Barbarella.
7. The first CD that was pressed in the U.S. was Bruce Springsteen’s Born in the USA.
8. Before composing Beethoven dipped his head in cold water.
9. Like humans, birds can learn music while they are still in the egg stage.
10. Mozart was five years old when he wrote his first piece.
11. The first pop video was released in 1975. It was Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen.
12. In 1976 Barry Manilow sang a chart topping song named I write the songs. The song wasn’t written by him.
13. Termites will eat wood two times faster when listening to heavy metal.
14. When Madonna was 15 years old, she got grounded for the whole summer, for sneaking out to see David Bowie in concert.
15. In the year 1988 tenor Luciano Pavarotti received a record 165 curtain calls at a Berlin opera house.
16. Make music not war : Monaco’s national orchestra is bigger that its army.
17. Wham !’s hit single Wake me up before you go go was written by George Michael who was inspired by the note that was left to his hotel room by another band member Andrew Ridgeley. The note was mistakenly written as “Don’t forget to wake me up up before you go go, George”.
18. House of the rising sun by The Animals was recorded with only 15 minutes because the band was on a tight budget. In spite of that the song went all the way to number one in 1964.
19. The longest song title is 305 characters (including spaces) : The Sad But True Story Of Ray Mingus, The Lumberjack Of Bulk Rock City, And His Never Slacking Stribe In Exploiting The So Far Undiscovered Areas Of The Intention To Bodily Intercourse From The Opposite Species Of His Kind, During Intake Of All The Mental Condition That Could Be Derived From Fermentation by Rednex.
20. When Billy Crystal was a child, his babysitter was the legendary Billie Holiday.
21. Suzanne Vega is considered the “mother” of the mp3 format. The creators of the mp3 used her voice from the song Tom’s Diner for analyzing the different sound spectrums when creating the compression algorithm.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Stupid Shit People Actually Put On Their Resumes

None of this is made up. People really did put this stupid crazy shit on their resumes or job applications.
1. I am very detail-oreinted.
2. My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
3. Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
4. Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
5. It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
6. Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
7. I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
8. If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
9. My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular.
10. I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
11. Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
12. Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date.
13. Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
14. Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
15. Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
16. Previous experience: Self-employed-a fiasco.
17. Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
18. Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
19. I am a rabid typist.
20. I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
21. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
22. Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
23. I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
24. Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.
25. Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
26. Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis.
27. Special skills: Thyping.
28. My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.
29. I can play well with others.
30. Personal Goal: To hand-build a classic cottage from the ground up using my father-in-law.
31. Objective: I want a base salary of $50-$60,000 dollars, not including bonus. And some decent benefits. Like a retirement plan, health insurance, personal or sick days.
32. Experience: Provided correct answers to customers’ questions.
33. Education: Graduated from predatory school with honors.
34. Never been fired, although it could happen anytime now.
35. I have happily been a “kept man” for the past 10 years.
36. Have extensive experience in turkey manufactures as well as new product development and implementation.
37. I am accustomed to speaking in front of all kinds of audiences. I make points as well as I can.
38. Personal: Five children. Dog: Jasper. Cat: Morris. Gerbil: Binky.
39. While in military, was instrumental in creation of a treat detection system.
40. My compensation package at my last job included a base salary of $64,500 with excellent benefits including flextime. I am looking for a position in which I can work a more flexible schedule.
41. Hire me and you won’t regret it - I am funny, cute, smart and creative… really.
42. Referees available upon request.
43. Previous rank: Senior instigator.
44. I have recently sold my home and I now live in a large RV so I will be able to relocate quickly.
45. Reason for leaving: They stopped paying me.
46. Cover letter: Desire the chance to showcase my delightful personality, intelligence and superior judgment, which are so hard to find these days.
47. Personal achievements: Successfully played “Chop Sticks” on a toy piano with my big toes.
48. Objective: To obtain a position where I can make a difference, infecting others with my professionalism, enthusiasm and dedication.
49. Strengths: Impersonal skills.
50. Special interests: I like any projects that are fun.
51. Please explain any breaks in your employment career: 15 minute coffee break while working at a home improvement store.
52. Vocational plans: Sea World.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Why God Never Received a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.